Kodwa, kubonakala sengathi, esikhathini esidlule amadoda okucabanga ayengekho-cha, futhi avumela imizwa ehlukile kulabo abavunyelwe ukuziphatha komphakathi nezenkolo. Khumbula ukuthi, "u-Anna Karenina," uLevin uzwa ukukhala kukaKitrina umkakhe, ehlupheka ngesikhathi sokubeletha: "Ehlezi ekhanda lakhe, wayemi ekamelweni elilandelayo futhi ezwa ukuthi omunye umuntu akakaze azwe u-squeal, ukukhala, futhi wayazi ukuthi uyamemeza yini eyayingaphambi kweKitini. Wayengafuni ingane isikhathi eside. Manje wamzonda lo mntwana. Akazange afune ngisho nokuphila kwakhe manje, wayefisa kuphela ukuphela kwalokhu kuhlupheka okukhulu. " Futhi ngisho nalapho indodana esanda kuzalwa iboniswa ku-hero, ayizizwela ububele noma ububele lapho ebona "ucezu" obomvu obheke obomvu.
ULeon Tolstoy , uyise wezingane eziyishumi nesishiyagalolunye, utshale kakhulu kuLevin ukuthi ukunyakaza okunjalo kubonakale sengathi kubonisa ukuvuma okukhulu komphakathi. Futhi eqinisweni - obaba banqatshelwe indlela yokuphila engokwesifazane: ngokushesha ngemva kokuzalwa, ukukhululwa kwe-hormone enamandla kwenzeka emzimbeni kamama, okwenza umzimba ukhohlwe izinzwa ezingathandeki futhi uzizwe ukhathele, njengoba ngemuva komsebenzi onzima owenziwe kahle. Kungenxa yalokhu ukuthi abesifazane abaningi baphupha ukubeletha kokubili ingane yesibili nowesithathu: ubuhlungu buyasuswa ememori, futhi ukuzwakalisa kokubeletha kuwumzwelo ofuna ukuphinde uphinde uzwe.
Ungabeki icala lokungahloniphi kobaba ozayo, ozesaba yizinguquko ezenzeka ngowesifazane othandekayo nangesikhathi ubaba esehlanganyela ekukhuliseni ingane. Amadoda, ngokuphambene nalokho, ngezinye izikhathi azwele kakhulu futhi angenele esimweni somama ozayo esikhathini esizayo kangangokuthi wona ngokwabo abhekana nokugula kwasekuseni, ubuhlungu be-pelvic ngisho nokuthola amafutha. Lona okuthiwa "ukukhulelwa okuzwelayo". Odokotela baseFrance babiza leli hulo "i-Kuvad syndrome" (kusukela e-French couver - "ukuphahlaza izinkukhu"). Ngendlela, ngokombono wabo, amadoda asinda ekukhulelweni komngane noma umkakho njengababo baba ngabababa abakhathazeka kakhulu nabanakekisayo.
Kodwa-ke, ukubamba iqhaza kukababa ekukhulisweni kwengane nasekukhupheni nasekubelethweni kunomthelela phansi: kungathatha ubuhlobo bokuphila ngesikhathi sokuzalwa kuseduze kakhulu nenhliziyo, futhi nje ukubekezelela lokhu, ukubeka ngomoya ophansi, ungathinti umbukiso. Kamuva, lokhu kungathinta ubuhlobo bakhe nengane, engazi ukuthi yini eyabangela ukuhlupheka emndenini ngokubonakala kwakhe. "Ukuhlakanipha kukababa" (akucaci ukuthi ngabe ikhona yini) akuveli eqinisweni lokuzalwa kwendoda encane, ngisho nangokuphambene - kungacima. Futhi ukubikezela ukuthi kuzoba kanjani nalokhu noma lowo muntu, kunzima kakhulu. Ngandlela-thile, into eyinqaba: udokotela wezingane waseFrance uMichel Lyakosye wahlola ukuvela kwezinsana iminyaka engaphezu kwengu-10 futhi wafinyelela esiphethweni sokuthi ingane eneminyaka eyisine ubudala ifana nobaba, futhi, kuphela, eneminyaka emithathu, izici zomama nazo zivela kuye. Ngokusho kochwepheshe, lokhu kuyimvelo yobuqili - ukuze upapa, ethatha umntwana ezandleni zakhe, angaqiniseka ukuthi lo ngumntwana wakhe, futhi kulula ukumthanda. Uma lokhu kuyiqiniso, khona-ke "ukuhlakanipha kukababa" nokuthanda kukababa kukhona izinto ezitholakalayo, kunokuba kube nezenhlalakahle kunezinto eziphilayo. Nakuba kunesidingo sokuqhubeka kule nzalo, yebo, yemvelo, ehambisana ngokuqinile nokumesaba ukufa nokuthanda ukungafi ngokomzimba. Futhi nje nalesi sifiso samadoda, njengokubusa, konke kuhambisane nalokhu: akuyona ingozi abaningi babo, ngokwesibonelo, bathanda ukuba ngabanikeli besidoda. Kodwa-ke, ingane ayidinga ukukhulelwa kuphela, kodwa futhi ikhule - kanti izinkinga ziqala ngalesi sigaba.
Ehlangothini lobuyise
I-Institute of Paternity yasungulwa ekuqaleni kwenkambiso yezinzalamizi nokuzalwa kwempahla yangasese: izindinganiso zempahla eziqoqiwe kwakudingeka zidluliselwe kumuntu, ukuze obaba babe yizidingo ezidingekayo futhi eziyigugu ezinganeni, ikakhulukazi amadodana. Umshado womshado oyedwa kanye nenkolo yobuqotho be-conjugal ubuye kwasungulwa ngezikhathi ezifanayo: ukuze kudlule okuthile ngefa, indoda kufanele iqiniseke ukuthi indlalifa ingumntwana wakhe, inyama yakhe negazi lakhe. Yiba ngubaba - okuhloswe ukuba uthole isimo esithile kanye nesimo emphakathini, futhi ukungabi nabantwana kwakubhekwa njengesihlazo. Kodwa-ke, phambi kommeli wobulili obunamandla, kwakudingeka ukudala nokubuthelela lokho ayezokudlulisela khona, bese nje unakekele umlandeli. Okokuqala, ukwakha indlu nokutshala umuthi, futhi kuphela endaweni yesithathu - ukukhulisa indodana.
Yilokho ukukholelwa okuqondiswa amadoda esimanje abakhetha ukwakha umsebenzi ngokuyinhloko, ukuthola ukuzinza kwezinto ezibonakalayo nezenhlalakahle, bese uqala umndeni bese uchitha isikhathi sonke sokuba nengxenye yabazali ekukhuliseni ingane. Kodwa-ke, abaqaphele ukuthi esikhathini esidlule, imishado yayivame ukuqala, kodwa lokhu akuvimbeli umsebenzi wobaba bomndeni. Babengakwenzi neze izingane - kwakubhekwa njengabazali bomama, kanti noma ngabe babe nethuba elinjalo, bakhetha ukusebenzisa izinsiza zabahlengikazi bamanzi, ama-nannies kanye nama-governesses. Obaba babhekwa ngokuthi "abahola," umsebenzi wabo kwakuwukuhlinzekela umndeni, "ukuze izingane zingadingi lutho" (futhi ngisho namanje abantu abaningi bacabanga kanjalo).
Eqinisweni , ukubamba iqhaza okusebenzayo kobaba ekufundiseni izingane kwaqala ukukhuluma kuphela ngekhulu lama-XX. Ngawo-1950, incwadi yanyatheliswa e-United States ngaphansi kwesihloko esibalulekile: "Obaba nabo bangabazali." Izazi zengqondo zaqala ukuloba mayelana nokuthi ingane ngayinye isigaba sokuphila kwayo idinga abazali bobabili, kuhlanganise no-Erich Fromm owaziwayo e-"Art of Love" yakhe: "Umuntu ovuthiwe uhlanganisa ubumnina nonina wakhe othandweni lwakhe, naphezu kokuthi babonakala sengathi bekuzophikisana. Uma wayenokuqonda kukababa kuphela, wayeyobe ethukuthele futhi engenamuntu. Ukube wayenolwazi olubelethwe ngumama kuphela, uzobe ethanda ukulahlekelwa isahlulelo esizwakalayo futhi uzokuvimbela yena nabanye ukuba bangathuthuki. " Ngamanye amazwi, uthando nomama nabazali kuyadingeka ingane ukuze ufunde ukuthi ungathanda kanjani: hhayi ngokungazimele njengomama, futhi hhayi njengento efunayo njengobaba.
Kodwa obaba abazalwa, futhi uma ukukhuliswa kwentombazane kuhloswe ngenhloso yokuvuselela umama wakhe, abafana, njengombuso, abachazi ukuthi bangaba kanjani abapapa. Amadoda esizayo angadlali emadodakazini omama, ngaphandle kwesinye isikhathi futhi ephoqelelwe. Zivame ukunikezwa ngamadonki, kodwa izimoto namasosha. Kubonakala sengathi konke kunengqondo: umfana uhlose ukwenza umsebenzi, futhi intombazane ingumndeni. Ezweni lanamuhla, konke kuyinkimbinkimbi kakhulu, futhi umndeni, njalonjalo, kancane kancane uba yindaba kubo bobabili abalingani. Bobabili umama nobaba bangashintsha abafana bezingane, bahambe naye, bafunde inganekwane, basize ngomsebenzi wesikole, bese befaka isabelomali somndeni. Manje kuba nzima ngokwengeziwe ukuhlukanisa okuqondile, ngokuqondile, ubaba umsebenzi. Kodwa-ke, likhona, futhi alizange lisuswe yiziphi izinguquko ebuhlotsheni bezenhlalakahle ngokubamba iqhaza kukababa ekukhulisweni kwengane.
Okwesithathu wena?
Nakuba abafana bengenazifundo "zobuntwana" njengengane, baqonda - ngamunye ngendlela yakhe - ukuthi kusho ukuthini ukuba ngubaba, futhi isibonelo salokhu ngumzali wabo. Ufunda kuye hhayi indlela kuphela yokubhekana nengane, kodwa futhi nobuhlobo nomfazi wesikhathi esizayo - kuxhomeke endleleni uyise aphathe ngayo umama wakhe. Kodwa, ngendlela, ubaba kulokhu akuyona ngempela umzali noma umama wesibalo. Kungaba yinoma yiliphi inani, elihlukile kumama, lapho isidingo sezingane senziwa khona. Futhi lesi sidingo sikhona njalo.
Ubaba onothando kwengane kubaluleke kakhulu ekuthuthukiseni kwakhe kwengqondo. Uma engekho uyise endimeni yakhe, noma ubani ongenza - amadoda, abesifazane, abangane. Ngokuvamile, kungaba ngabantu abasondelene nomama: ugogokazi, omkhulu, onkulunkulukazi - omunye umuntu ingane ekwazi ukuyibona ekuqaleni hhayi njengomama. " Futhi-ke ingane esekhulile ingase ingabi nakho okuhlangenwe nakho okubaluleke nakakhulu kanye nesibonelo esilandelayo sobaba. " Ngamanye amazwi, iqhawe likaBegbedera, elixoxwa ekuqaleni kwalesi sihloko, yisibonelo somuntu ovuma ngokungazilungiseleli kwengqondo nokuhluleka ukuba ngubaba ngokwakhe. "Omunye wesithathu" - ubaba uvela empilweni yengane, eqala ukuqonda ukuthi akasekho omunye nonina. Lokhu kwenzeka kakhulu kunalokho kungase kubonakale - eneminyaka engu-5 kuya kwezingu-9. Ngokwengqondo, le nqubo ibizwa ngokuthi i-triangulation yokuqala, lapho "umama wengane" ebizwa ngokuthi i-dyad ithathelwa indawo "izingane-abazali" ezintathu.
Esikhathini esilandelayo (iminyaka engu-1 kuya kwengu-3) - okuthiwa "doedipov" - ingane iyaqaphela ngokucacile ukuthi, ngaphandle kwakhe, kunabanye abantu nabanye ubudlelwane emhlabeni. Futhi ngubaba (noma isibalo esithatha isikhundla sakhe) esenza indima ebalulekile ekuqalisweni kwengane "kokuhlukaniswa" kwakhe. Kuncike kuye, luhlobo luni lobaba okhulile umfana ozoba khona nokuthi ngabe ufuna ukuba ngubaba nhlobo. Kubalulekile ukuqaphela ukuthi ingane idinga ukubonakaliswa kothando lukayise kungaphansi kokungumama, futhi lokhu akuhlangene nokuhlonipha "ukunikeza umndeni" - ngoba ingane ayikwazi ukuthi yimali nokuthi kungani iyadingeka. Kodwa uyaqonda kahle ukuthi uthando nokukhathalela kuyini.
Umsebenzi oyinhloko kababa ukusiza ingane ukuba ihlukaniswe nomama, ukuze ifunde ukuphila kwayo, impilo yokuzimela. Into engcono kakhulu ubaba angayenza enganeni ukumnika izinsiza ezidingekayo ekuthuthukiseni kwakhe: ukumnika isikhathi, ukudlala naye, ukumsiza ukuba abhekane nemizwa engakwazi "ukugaya" yona. Futhi nangenxa yobuhlobo bakhe nomama ukukhombisa ingane ukuthi kufanele aziphatha kanjani naye, ikakhulukazi, lapho ephoxeka khona, ephazamisa. Ubaba angenza ngisho nezimo uma umama eba "okwesithathu ngaphandle". Iqiniso liwukuthi omama abaningi bayazibopha umntwana, bese ubaba engalungile, akanqobe umncintiswano ongokomzwelo nonina, ubonakala engenakho. Lokhu kungukungazi lutho phakathi komama nomntwana ngokumelene nopapa, bese eba "okwesithathu ngaphandle". Kodwa uma ubaba ethatha isinyathelo futhi eqala ukuxhumana nomntwana, khona-ke ingane ingafaka isicelo sokusekelwa ngokomzwelo kuye, lapho umama engakwazi ukunikeza ingane yakhe isidingo. Konke lokhu kusiza ingane ukuba iqondise kokubili umhlaba wamadoda nezwe labesifazane, ukukhomba bobabili umama nobaba, kodwa okubaluleke kakhulu, lokho ingane eyenzayo, ibamba uhlobo lobuhlobo phakathi kwabazali.
Kuyinto ikhono lokuba yingxenye yesithathu ebuhlotsheni - yilokho umfana okungenzeka ukuthi uyodinga lapho owesifazane othandekayo emtshela ukuthi: "Ukudumisa, sizoba nengane." Ukwesaba kokubukeka komunye umuntu wesithathu, intukuthelo nokudumazeka kuye (ukuthakazelisa lapho kubonakala khona inqubo yokuzalwa kanye "nomswakama wenyama" ophumela) kubonisa ukuthi njengengane, le ndoda ayifuni ukuqedela indlela yokuhlukana nonina, ayizange ifunde ukujoyina ebuhlotsheni obuseduze, lapho abahlanganyeli abangaphezu kwamabili. Ikakhulukazi uma lesi sithathu esingenakuqondakala futhi esesabekayo sizoba yisikhathi esiyinhloko ekuphileni komuntu othandekayo. Amadoda amaningi angenza uxhumano "ohlangothini" ngesikhathi sokukhulelwa noma isikhathi sokuhamba komfazi - bacabanga ukuthi ngaleyo ndlela banakekelwa. Bashiya ingane "umama okwaneleyo", kodwa bazilahla umfazi kanye nenkosikazi ebusweni bakhe. Lena indlela yabo yokubhekana nesimo abangakwazi ukubhekana nazo ngokwengqondo. Ukuthola omunye wesifazane, bakha isimo esiphendukekile, uma kungenjalo umuntu olwa nomntwana ukunakekelwa ngumama wakhe, futhi abesifazane ababili bancintisana ngenxa yakhe.
Isikole sobaba osemncane
Ngekhulu leminyaka lama-20, lokhu "ukungakwazi ukuba yingxenye yesithathu" kuyinhlekelele evamile yezizukulwane eziphelele, kunqatshelwa nje kuphela ngezindlela zendabuko zokuqalwa kwamadoda nokudluliselwa kobaba okuvela kubababa kuya kwendodana, kodwa ngokuvamile kuyinto yokuxhumana phakathi kukababa nendodana. Izimpi zomhlaba ezimbili nezinye izinhlekelele eziningi ziye zabuthakathaka kakhulu abantu besilisa. Ngakho ibinzana lephiko elivela ku-Fight Club: "Siyisizukulwane samadoda esikhuliswa ngabesifazane" - ekulandeleni kwethu akuyikho isizukulwane esisodwa. Ngezinye izikhathi amadoda anjalo awakwazi ukushiya ubuhlobo "bomama wengane" impilo yonke.
Kodwa lokhu akusho ukuthi izingxenye zobulili obuqinile kufanele ngokujwayelekile zivunyelwe ngokomthetho ukuba zibe nezingane. Ngokusobala, ubaba uyaqaphela - noma ngaphandle kokubamba iqhaza komuthi. Okuningi kuxhomeke ekuziphatheni komama wesikhathi esizayo, ikhono lakhe lokuxhumanisa othandekayo ngenqubo yokulindela ingane nokumnakekela, nokuchaza ukuthi kungani ingane idinga.
Ngokwesayensi yezinkanyezi zaseMelika, inzalo ehloniphekile yendoda yanamuhla isekelwe ezinsika ezintathu: ukuhlanganyela, ukuphikelela nokuqwashisa. Ukubamba iqhaza ukubandakanya kukababa empilweni yengane, isifiso sokwenza okuthile ngakho, ukufinyeleleka kwayo kanye nomthwalo wemfanelo wengane. Ukuphikelela kubalulekile kumntanami kuze kube manje ukuthi kusho ukuhlala kukababa eceleni kwawo, uma kungenjalo yonke iminithi, ngakho-ke ngezikhathi ezithile eziqinisekisiwe zesikhathi. Okokugcina, ukuqwashisa akusho nje kuphela ulwazi mayelana nokuthuthukiswa kwengane kanye nesimo samanje sezindaba zakhe, kodwa futhi nokuzinikezela empilweni yakhe yangaphakathi, ulwazi lwezimfihlo ingane engayinika uyise. Mhlawumbe, uma umuntu ekulungele ukunika indlalifa konke lokhu, angaba ubaba omuhle, okungenani, uzolwela.
Izibalo zibonisa ukuthi manje amadoda asebuyela emkhayeni kancane kancane: njengoba izifundo zibonisa, eNtshonalanga abapapa manje basebenzisa isikhathi esengeziwe nezingane zabo eminyakeni engama-20-30 edlule. Ukuzalwa komuntu, sekuyeke ukube yisidingo nje sezinto eziphilayo, kuyaba yikhono elihlakulelwe ngokucophelela - kube khona isifiso.