Uma ulandela igama elithi isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esidumile u-Erich Bern, khona-ke umshado kanye nesiphumo saso - isahlukaniso singabhekwa esigabeni semidlalo abantu abayidlalayo. Imfundiso kaBerne ilula: ukungabi nobuhlobo obungokomzwelo kunemiphumela ebulalayo kumuntu. Ngakho-ke, izinsana ezingenaso ukuxhumana nabanye abantu zilalele ngemuva kokuthuthukiswa futhi zingase zife. Ngokufanayo, abantu abahlala emshadweni isikhathi eside ngokungabi khona kwemibango engokomzwelo bangahlukanisa.
Ukuhlukaniswa, uma kwenzeka, inqubo, ngiyazi mina, akuyona into emnandi. Futhi lolu daba lapha aluvame ukuvalelwa ukuhlambalazana, ukusola kokungathembeki nokungathandi. Ukuhlukaniswa kwempahla, kuhlanganise nabangani abahlehlisiwe, kunezela imizwa eminingi emibi ekomelweni lokubekezela elivele ligcwele. Imizwelo, okwakungenakho indlela yokuphuma emkhayeni wokuthula ophansi, manje usebenza nabo ngokugcwele. Futhi lokhu akunakwenzeka kodwa kuholele emiphumeleni, futhi bayoba nesibonakaliso esengeziwe noma nge-signus time-time izoxoxa. Kodwa kubaluleke nakakhulu ukuqonda izimbangela zale miphumela.
Izibalo zezwi
Izibalo ziqinisekisa: elinye lamazinga aphakeme kakhulu ezinga lokuhlukanisa liwela esikhathini esiyiminyaka emithathu kuya emithathu emva komshado osemthethweni. Kunezizathu eziningi zalokhu: kusuka ezinkingeni zempahla ukuvimbela ukungathembeki. Kodwa futhi kukhona umbono wokuthi yona kanye impela "emishadweni" ikhubaza imizwa: umgomo ufezekile, isisekelo sithathwe, manje ungakwazi ukuphumula. Asikho isidingo sokukhohlisa, ukudukisa, ukuthandana nokuwa othandweni, ukukholisa nokuqiniseka. Ngakho kufika i-asphyxia engokomzwelo emva kokushada komzimba. Okufanayo kwenzeka esikhathini sobudlelwano bomshado ezilwaneni: maduzane ngaphambi kokubambisa owesilisa uya endaweni engaphansi futhi kukho konke okubonakalayo kubonisa insikazi ukuthi ayesabi futhi ayilaleli. Inhloso yezinto eziphilayo zalesi simiso esasakazekayo, esibizwa ngezwe lesayense ngokuguqulwa kokubusa, kuyaziwa - ukuthi ungesabi owesifazane, ukuze ugweme ukuhlukunyezwa kwakhe. Okufanayo kungabonakala kubantu: amadoda asebenzisa ngobuchule konke lokhu okuncenga, eguqa, egqoke ezandleni zabo, athembisa ukuthola inkanyezi esibhakabhakeni ukuze afinyelele umgomo wabo ocacile. Futhi ekuseni, izolo, owesifazane othandweni, uqalekisa umqashi wamanga, athembise ukuthi uzothola naye. Ngokusobala, ukupholisa imizwa eminyakeni yokuqala emva komshado kuhlotshaniswa nokuguqulwa okufanayo kokubusa: i-premiere-romantic "Ngithande, ngizokuletha inkanyezi", ishintshwe ngu-post-festive prosaic "Uphi uVodka, Zin."
Umshado nokuhlukanisa okunye okufana nefometh formula: kukhona okungaziwa njalo. Njengomthetho, lezi zingaziwa yizilindelo zabalingani. Uma ushiya izingxenye zothando, isifiso sokuvuthwa nokuvuthwa, khona-ke kubhalansi wokugcina, ukuthi ungaphambuki kanjani, kuyoba nesithakazelo abantu abafuna ukufeza lapho bashada, ngabe bafuna ukuthola inzalo noma ukusekelwa ngezinto ezibonakalayo. Kuyafana nokuhlukana. Uma ukubala kulungile, khona-ke lokho okulindelwe kuzoba okulungile - lokhu kuyingqikithi. Ekuphileni, akunakwenzeka ukubala konke ngokucacisa ngezibalo.
Izinkomba ezingezona izibalo
Kodwa kukhona esinye isibalo - izibalo azilona iqiniso, kepha izilindelo: iningi labantu lihlobanisa ukuxazulula izinkinga eziningi ngokuhlukanisa. Abantu abaningi banesahlukaniso ezihambisana nezinguquko eziphumelelayo empilweni yabo siqu, ngokuqaliswa kokukhulelwe isikhathi eside, nokuphila okuvela ehlathini elihlanzekile. Eqinisweni, ngokuvamile ukuhlukanisa kuyisenzakalo sokubheka, kubonisa ukuthi kufanelekile. Ukubala kulo mdlalo kulula: ukuhlukanisa naye ukuze (a) aqonde ukuthi uyakukukhumbula kanjani, ukuthi (yena) uphambene kanjani, ukuthi wayengakwazisa kanjani ukuhlala kwakho eceleni. Ukubala, ngokujwayelekile, kulungile, nesimo kuphela sokuthi umlingani uyayamukela le mithetho yomdlalo futhi futhi ulindele ngokulangazela isikhathi esisheshayo sokubuyisana. Phakathi kwabangane bami kukhona umbhangqwana oneminyaka engu-8 manje ophila ngesimiso esilula sokuhlukanisa nokubuyisana. Bazoqhubeka bebonke, okungukuthi, ukuhlukanisa nge-periodicity futhi babuyisane, kuze kube ngolunye usuku omunye wabo ukhetha ukuphula imithetho yomdlalo. Okwamanje, konke kuphumelele.
Kunamanye amacala: ngokuvamile abashadile abashadile, abakhathele yizimangalo kanye nokuphikisana, bavunyelwe ukuba bahambe yonke indlela: kusukela ebuhlotsheni bobulili obuphambene nokuthenga imoto emisha, ekuqhekekeni kwemali ngokusebenzisa izindawo zokuvotela nezitolo, ekushintsheni imisebenzi. Abanye emva kokuzijabulisa okunjalo, okwenziwe umzabalazo wokuhlukumezeka kokungabi nabulungisa kokuphila, ukuthola impahla entsha nemicabango emisha, abanye baphoxeka kokubili abahlonipha umoya kanye nobulungiswa bokuphila ngokwabo. Futhi konke lokhu akusikho isifiso esiyimfihlo sokubona ukubaluleka kwayo, ukufakazela ubukhulu bayo.
Lapha wonke umuntu unelungelo lokuzicabangela njengomnqobi, kodwa mayelana nezifiso zangasese - ukwehluleka okuphelele. Abekho abakuqala noma abakuqala ngeke bavakashele nge-champagne ukuze badumise impumelelo emsebenzini wabo omusha noma bavume ukuthengwa kwe-BMW entsha. Futhi hhayi ngenxa yokuthi abazi (abangani abavamile, abangenakuhlukaniswa, ngokungafani nefulethini nezingane, nge-periodicity enomusa, labo abashade nabo bazinikezela ezindabeni zomunye nomunye), ukuze nje udumise, kusho ukuvumelanisa, ukuvuma ukunqotshwa, okungalungile.
Kulo mdlalo, ama-pair amabili angavamile abuyisela uxhumano olulahlekile, kodwa abaningi bafinyelela eziphakeme ezingakaze zenziwe emisebenzini yabo. Yonke inecala lomzwelo: kusukela manje kuhloswe ukufezekisa imiphumela ebekiwe, hhayi ngokuzikhandla ngamazwi ngaphambilini. Futhi konke lokhu ngento eyodwa kuphela: umgomo weqiniso, kanye nomphumela wangempela awutholakali, izifiso zangasese azilungile. Akekho omunye olahlekile lapha, ngaphandle kwethemba eliphukile, imizwa ehlushwa, imizwa yokukhathazeka kanye nenzondo enkulu.
Imvelo yesahlukaniso
Omunye wabacwaningi abavelele kakhulu emkhakheni we-ethology, uDokotela we-Biological Sciences, uProfesa Viktor Rafaelevich Dolnik, ukuphenya ubuhlobo bomshado emshadweni nokuzama ukudalula isakhiwo sabo semvelo kumuntu weza kwiziphetho ezingalindelekile: ukuguquka komuntu okulandela indlela yokukhetha kwemvelo kwaphazanyiswa, lo muntu wahlala engaphelele, ngobuningi bokuphikisana phakathi kwemvelo engaphansi kokuziphatha ngokobulili, emshadweni, emndenini nasenhlalakahle. Kusukela manje, hhayi labo abahleleke kangcono, kodwa labo abazuzile kangcono futhi basebenzisa ulwazi olutholiwe futhi banikezwa kusukela esizukulwaneni kuya esizukulwaneni, ukwakha, indlela yokukhipha ukudla, indlela yokuphila, basinda. Ngakho-ke, kaningi siziphatha kabi, ngisho kabi, lapho siqondiswa izisusa zangaphakathi, ngisho nalapho sizama ngamabomu ukwenza konke ngendlela yabo.
Izizukulwane eziningi zamanje ezineminyaka engamashumi amathathu ubudala zithole ulwazi olubheke kubazali bazo. Futhi okuhlangenwe nakho kwabo, njengokubusa, bakhulume ngento eyodwa: kubalulekile ukugcina umshado ngazo zonke izindleko (kwakungeyona ngothando). Ngaphansi kokuthi "yizo zonke izindlela" kuqondwe okuningi. Sithethelelwe kakhulu: ukuhlubuka, ukudakwa, indlu encane, ngisho nemholo ephansi, izingxabano nomamazala nomamazala. Futhi konke lokhu ngokuziphendulela njalo: konke ngenxa yezingane. Ukuphila komndeni okunjalo kuvame ukuphenduka. Kubonakala sengathi izingane zizokhula futhi zizitholele ukuzidela. Kodwa abantwana bakhulela, futhi bangasheshi ukushada, bashade noma babe nabantwana. Abangakulungele ukuphila okunjalo komndeni, kuleso simo sokulingwa. Ababuthakathaka. Bathembekile nabo futhi bafuna ukwethembeka ngezingane ezizayo. Ngobisi lomama, babamba ukuthi ukuhlukanisa kubi. Ingabe kungenxa yokuthi abasheshi ukuzishaya umshado, ukuthi besaba ukuba izingane ezimbi emehlweni abazali babo, ukuthi abafuni kuba abazali ababi emehlweni abantwana babo?
Londoloza umshado noma unqume ukuhlukanisa? Ukuzikhethela kunqunywa kuphela ngesilinganiso somthwalo wemfanelo. Futhi angikwazi ukusho ukuthi isizukulwane samanje sabantu abaneminyaka engamashumi amathathu sinekungabi nabulungiswa mayelana nomshado. Esikhundleni salokho, ngokuphambene nalokho: baqonda amakhono abo kahle futhi bazi kahle ukuthi, bani, kanjani, nini futhi kuphi abayifunayo. Okufanayo kungashiwo ngesahlukaniso.